DYSTOPIA–A Dystopia College building has exploded during the week of final exams, and campus police are questioning “a number of suspects,” according to spokesperson Capt. Cranky Lawless.
C. N. K. Shipmann Hall, affectionately known as “the White Whale,” home of the liberal arts and humanities, blew up into a giant fireball, according to various witnesses. According to Dystopia Fire Chief Adale Burns, the building was apparently empty and the time, and at this point, there are no reports of casualties.
Sophomore Adbullah Ibrahim Mohamed Hakim Badr-Asim “Bad-Ass” Al-Abad, a skeptical pacificist Buddhist bottom, who was meditating in Brown Park, across the street from the Dystopia campus, was immediately arrested on suspicion of “looking vaguely Middle Eastern” because he currently has blue hair and multiple piercings, but was later released, after it proved impossible to fabricate convincing evidence against him.
Student Joey diMarco, who was interviewed through his dorm-room door because he was afraid to come out, said he and his service cat, Indy, dived under the bed upon hearing the explosion and have no intention of moving any time in the near future.
Fifth-semester freshman Trig Ryder, president of Dystopians for Jesus, said he was watching gay porn on his phone at the time and initially thought he was just having an amazing orgasm, only later realizing that the fireworks were real.
Sophomore Samantha Sabrina Eastwick, a coven leader for the student organization African Lesbian Satanic Witches for Peace, said she was at first concerned because she was afraid she might have left a “textbook” in the building, but then realized she “might have left it somewhere else, actually.”
T. Allen Culpepper