Dystopia College Police Investigating Explosion of Humanities Building

DYSTOPIA–Campus police are questioning an adjunct English instructor in connection with the explosion of a Dystopia College building, after preliminary investigation of the incident has revealed “an apparently complex conspiracy,” according to campus police spokesperson Capt. Cranky Lawless.

Although no charges have been filed at this point, Adjunct Asst. Prof. of English Will Bardly has been brought in for further questioning, Lawless said.

The investigation has revealed that when Asst. Prof. of English Owen Hornblower visited Asst. Prof. of Spanish Jesus H. “Cris” Cristo when Cristo was temporarily  detained in connection with an incident in which he allegedly chased a student around campus at gunpoint, Hornblower learned from Cristo that Asst. Prof. of History B. K. Tracker and Asst. Prof. of Physics Maureen “Mo-Mo” Motion, had drawn up plans for destroying various campus buildings.  Tracker and Motion insist that they did so “just for fun,” never intending to make use of them.

In a mentoring meeting, Bardly apparently made a joke about somebody “blowing the place up,” and Hornblower then “unthinkingly” divulged what he had learned from Cristo about the plans devised by Tracker and Motion, “never for a moment” imagining that Bardly would “make serious use of the information.”

Apparently, Bardly then shared the information with senior English major Rich Kidd, with whom he has been having a clandestine affair, at local pub the Dead Albatross, where they began hatching a plot to protest the neglect of the humanities, with the unknowing help of Synopsis Sam, the bartender who know ever plot ever devised from his vast reading.

From here, the story becomes mostly conjectural, but authorities suspect that Brady and Kidd went to Tracker’s building not to find a place to fuck but instead to search Tracker’s office for the plans.  The office was locked, but investigators suspect that the pair encountered Samantha Sabrina Eastwick, who is in the building to retrieve a spell book she thinks she might have left in the classroom where Tracker teaches a witch-hunt seminar. Feeling bad about accidentally hitting Bardly with her car in a previous incident, she offers to assist them with a useful spell for opening locked doors.

Officers suspect that Bardly, who, after recently switching from Kool-Aid to coffee suddenly realized that the college was trying to kill off the humanities become “obsessed with taking counter-action,” according to a witness who requested anonymity in exchange for cooperation, found the plans and began looking for technical assistance for a “protest plan.”

From that point, the theory is that Bardly, with the assistance of Kidd and Eastwick, consulted chemistry lab assistants Arson Boomer and Cy-Anne Idol about possible means of achieving their ends, learning from them of “various explosive options.” When questioned by officers, Boomer and Idol denied any illegal activity but conceded that they might have had “a casual chat” with Bardly and Kidd about “explosive substances and where to find them.”

Bardly, who has so far denied involvement in the explosion, nevertheless conceded that  he thinks the neglect of the humanities is “an abomination” justifying “almost any action” to prevent it.

Copyright 2016

T. Allen Culpepper






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