DYSTOPIA–An adjunct professor of English and a senior English major have claimed responsibility for the explosion that destroyed Dystopia College’s C. N. K. Shipmann Hall, affectionately known as “the White Whale,” home of the liberal arts and humanities, according to campus police spokesperson Capt. Cranky Lawless.
Adjunct Asst. Prof. of English Will Bardly has confessed that, after recently giving up Kool-Aid in favor of coffee, he “achieved sudden enlightenment” and realized that college administrators are in the process of carrying out a “politically motivated mandate” to “exterminate” the humanities in the interest of promulgating STEM fields and “workforce development.” Bardly said that long-simmering fears coupled with the alcohol abuse resulting from the recent presidential election finally convinced him of the necessity for immediate action.
As a result, Bardly has acknowledged, he revealed to senior English major Rich Kidd, with whom he has been having a clandestine affair, the information he received from his mentor, Asst. Prof. of English Owen Hornblower (who acquired it from temporarily incarcerated Asst. Prof. of Spanish Jesus H. “Cris” Cristo) that Asst. Prof. of History B. K. Tracker (also a faculty union organizer) and Asst. Prof. of Physics Maureen “Mo-Mo” Motion had devised–“just for fun”–plans for the destruction of various campus buildings.
Kidd, who admitted to the affair with Bardly, whom he described as “quite idealistic and surprisingly versatile for a professor,” said that he shared Bardly’s fear of the demise of the humanities and felt obligated to assist him “for a variety of reasons.”
Bardly and Kidd say they entered Tracker’s office with the assistance of a a lock-picking spell cast by a fellow student, whom they refused to identify, but who investigators suspect was sophomore Samantha Sabrina Eastwick, who, on the advice of her attorney, declined to comment.
After discovering the plans, which they “honestly didn’t really believe existed” in Tracker’s office, they allegedly met with chemistry lab assistants Arson Boomer and Cy-Anne Idol, who deny any illegal activity themselves but concede that they “might have had” a conversation with Bardly and Kidd about “various explosives and how they might be conveniently acquired.”
Investigators speculate that Bardly and Kidd then acquired the aforementioned explosive and arranged to detonate them for the destruction of Shipmann Hall as an act of protest against the demise of the humanities and liberal arts by means of the college’s “willful negligence.”
Other members of the college community say they are a bit uncertain how to respond to recent events.
Fifth-semester freshman Trig Ryder, president of Dystopians for Jesus, said he doesn’t really think Jesus would have supported blowing up buildings, but “after that whole thing with the moneylenders in the temple, it’s kind of hard to say.”
Sophomore Abdullah Ibrahim Mohammed Hakim Badr-Asim “Bad-Ass” Al-Abad, a sort-of Buddhist who was mediating in Brown Park across Dystopia Boulevard from campus at the time of the explosion and was immediately arrested for “looking Middle Eastern” and then released when it become obvious he couldn’t possibly be charged with anything, said he disapproves of violence on principle but has to admit that the explosion was “kinda pretty, with the colors of the chemical fire and all.”
Sophomore Privi Ledger said she really feels the need to “organize something,” but doesn’t yet have a clear idea what.
Freshman Ian Somuchneed said he just hopes someone–“I’m not particular at this point–boy, girl, domestic animal whatever”– will be upset enough to need “comforting.”
Dystopia President Overly Payeed-Admyn, who is currently on a “recruiting trip” to Phuket, Thailand, tweeted that he is “still trying to take in the magnitude of the situation.”
Dystopia Fire Chief Adale Burns said that although she “obviously disapproves of arson and such,” the explosion “made a real pretty fire.”
Provost Eddina Field said that, with the inter-semester break imminent, no classes are scheduled for the next few weeks, so the college will have a little time to figure out how to accommodate classes and faculty members displaced by the destruction of the building.
Student Joey diMarco said he has contacted his therapist and requested voluntary commitment to an asylum.
“It has been quite a semester,” said Solo Wallflower, who watched the explosion and subsequent fire from the steps of the Dusty Booker Library, as he left the building with fellow freshman Paul O. Standingwater after a late-night study session.
Note: This concludes the fall semester at Dystopia. Thanks for following, everyone! Happy holidays!
T. Allen Culpepper