DYSTOPIA–Attendance at Dystopia College’s spring student-organizations fair included 17 Student Activities staff members, 3 faculty advisors who stopped by briefly during their lunch break, and one student, according to Student Activities Director John “Happy Jack” Plumber.
Plumber attributed the low attendance to the “apathetic, entitled slackers” who typically enroll at Dystopia and said that, in response, he’s “planning to kick some ass.”
The one student attendee, freshman transfer Damon Lughee, said he accidentally entered the fair while looking for a restroom in the N. Fernall Student Union and exited as president of five clubs and captain of an intramural soccer side.
“I’m not usually such a sucker,” Lughee said, “but once Happy Jack and his crew get their hands on you, saying no just really isn’t an option.” He said he’s a little stressed about all the forms he now has to fill out, but he’s not that worried about “the soccer thing,” even though he has “no fucking clue” how to play soccer, because it appears that he is the only member of the league.
Plumber denied pressuring students like Lughee to participate in student organizations but conceded that he and his staff can sometimes come across as “slightly over-enthusiastic.”
Lughee said he doesn’t really have time for student activities because he is a mentally ill teenage single parent of two toddlers , works three jobs, and is the primary caretaker for an elderly relative, but that he “can probably manage it if I can just stay awake and double the dosage on my anxiety meds.”
UPDATE: Dystopia College student Damon Lughee is currently receiving emergency treatment at Dystopia General Hospital, where he has been transported as the result of a severe panic attack, according to medical personnel.
T. Allen Culpepper