College Advises International Students to Act as Whitely as Possible

DYSTOPIA–In response to President Trump’s ban on travel from some majority-Muslim countries, Dystopia College officials are urging the college’s international students who might be affected not to leave the United States if they are here, to try to get back to the States ASAP if they are currently abroad, and to “take common-sense precautions” for their own safety.

Dystopia President Overly Payeed-Admyn said he cautiously disapproves of the ban and hopes that it will be rescinded, both for the benefit of the college’s international students and to avoid a potential “hellacious paperwork mess” for college officials. Although Payeed stressed that he stands by all international students and welcomes the diversity and extravagant tuition payments that they bring to the college, he also suggested that, just for their own protection, it would probably be a good idea for international students of color or with Middle-Eastern-sounding names to get fake passports and for all students, international or not, “to act as white as possible,” at least in the short term.

Aya B. Twerkin, associate dean for international students, said that her office keeps a list of high-quality “document manufacturers” as well as supplies to help students seeking to go incognito. For example, she said she has wife-beater tops suitable for men and lesbians; cutoff denim short-shorts for women and the faggier sort of men; lots of ugly square-toed boots; and several hundred cans of Skoal. DIY hair-bleaching kits are available too, and anyone who stops by can register to win a free rebel-flag tattoo. “Oh, and we have some fake ‘Holy Bible’ Qur’an covers.”

Sophomore Abdullah Mohammed Hakim Badr-Asim “Bad-Ass’ Al-Abad, a double major in chemical engineering and floral design self-described (on his Hkup profile) as a vegan, pacifist, skeptical Buddhist bottom, says the college’s advice is “so ridiculously offensive that it nearly parodies itself” and that he already bleaches his hair anyway. He said he personally hopes that while President Trump is away in the UK his supporters will ban all travel to the  United States so that Mr. Trump will be unable to return. He conceded that his hope “is probably not going to happen,” but that “given the way things have been going lately, you never know.”

A blonde student wearing an assortment of Twerkin’s “supplies” over traditional Muslim attire who who identified herself only as Sarah P. said her outfit was “as much of a compromise as I could make.” She assured the reporter that the can of Skoal in the pocket of her Daisy-Duke shorts had never been opened.

Another student who comes from “somewhere in Latin America” said he has tried to act “whiter” but the act has not been a success because his English is too good.


Copyright 2017

T. Allen Culpepper





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