DYSTOPIA–Dystopia College has completed an internal investigation that resulted from an anonymous hipster’s accusation that one of the college’s regents “misappropriated” a gold albatross amulet that was intended for another regent, a representative of the regents’ office has confirmed.
Wedina Ghest, executive assistant to the board of regents, said the regents’ office got a call from an anonymous hipster who alleged that Regent An’Shawna Marinere stole the amulet, which was intended as a gift for retiring Regent Saylor Siemens and was seen wearing it at an alumni dinner Marinere attended with her husband, local banker Leif Indeth.
Ghest said the college conducted an investigation of the charges, but the investigation was inconclusive, though “these things usually have a way of working themselves out.”
Siemens said he doesn’t wear amulets and is happy with the golden albatross clock he received instead. “Still, I don’t like it when people take my stuff, but it sounds like it’s around An’Shawna’s neck now, and I won’t be trying to yank it off.”
Regents Chair Tyson “Ty” Tycoon said he is too busy to be bothered with giving people birds, golden or otherwise.
Ghest’s administrative assistant said Ghest was unavailable for comment because she was “feeling a little under the weather.”
CORRECTION: We should have said “anonymous tipster,” and we apologize to the anonymous hipsters who have called in to protest our insensitive insinuations regarding their lack of authenticity.