Cristo Taking Over Enraged Learning

DYSTOPIA–Asst. Prof. Spanish Jesus H. “Cris” Cristo has been appointed new director of the Department of Enraged Learning, Dystopia College Provost Eddina Field announced today. Field that that with his long history of assault charges and mandated anger-management programs, Cristo is the ideal candidate for the job.

“I can’t imagine anyone who understands rage better than Cris,” Field said.

Most recently, Cristo was charged with, but never convicted of, chasing a student across campus at gunpoint after a classroom disagreement. Prior to that incident, Cristo had participated in two residential anger-management programs at the “strong encouragement” of the college.

“That dude is a total fucking pyscho,” said freshman history major Lev N. Pahst, the student whom Cristo, holding a handgun, was seen chasing by a number of campus witnesses.

Cristo will continue teaching Spanish courses at the college, but will have a reduced course load in compensation for taking on the Enraged Learning position.

The college created the Department of Enraged Learning after college administrators read some dubious research suggesting that students learn best when they are pissed off.


Copyright 2017

T. Allen Culpepper


College Advises International Students to Act as Whitely as Possible

DYSTOPIA–In response to President Trump’s ban on travel from some majority-Muslim countries, Dystopia College officials are urging the college’s international students who might be affected not to leave the United States if they are here, to try to get back to the States ASAP if they are currently abroad, and to “take common-sense precautions” for their own safety.

Dystopia President Overly Payeed-Admyn said he cautiously disapproves of the ban and hopes that it will be rescinded, both for the benefit of the college’s international students and to avoid a potential “hellacious paperwork mess” for college officials. Although Payeed stressed that he stands by all international students and welcomes the diversity and extravagant tuition payments that they bring to the college, he also suggested that, just for their own protection, it would probably be a good idea for international students of color or with Middle-Eastern-sounding names to get fake passports and for all students, international or not, “to act as white as possible,” at least in the short term.

Aya B. Twerkin, associate dean for international students, said that her office keeps a list of high-quality “document manufacturers” as well as supplies to help students seeking to go incognito. For example, she said she has wife-beater tops suitable for men and lesbians; cutoff denim short-shorts for women and the faggier sort of men; lots of ugly square-toed boots; and several hundred cans of Skoal. DIY hair-bleaching kits are available too, and anyone who stops by can register to win a free rebel-flag tattoo. “Oh, and we have some fake ‘Holy Bible’ Qur’an covers.”

Sophomore Abdullah Mohammed Hakim Badr-Asim “Bad-Ass’ Al-Abad, a double major in chemical engineering and floral design self-described (on his Hkup profile) as a vegan, pacifist, skeptical Buddhist bottom, says the college’s advice is “so ridiculously offensive that it nearly parodies itself” and that he already bleaches his hair anyway. He said he personally hopes that while President Trump is away in the UK his supporters will ban all travel to the  United States so that Mr. Trump will be unable to return. He conceded that his hope “is probably not going to happen,” but that “given the way things have been going lately, you never know.”

A blonde student wearing an assortment of Twerkin’s “supplies” over traditional Muslim attire who who identified herself only as Sarah P. said her outfit was “as much of a compromise as I could make.” She assured the reporter that the can of Skoal in the pocket of her Daisy-Duke shorts had never been opened.

Another student who comes from “somewhere in Latin America” said he has tried to act “whiter” but the act has not been a success because his English is too good.


Copyright 2017

T. Allen Culpepper




Faculty Dossiers Due Soon

DYSTOPIA–All Dystopia College faculty-evaluation dossiers must be completed and submitted electronically  by Feb. 15, according to Provost Eddina Field and  Director of Institutional Research and Development Gwen Down-Fast.

Field said the dossiers, part of the college’s new faculty-driven performance evaluation process, will be a critical part of the peer-evaluation process, in which randomly chosen faculty members will evaluate their unknown colleagues’ evasive answers to a series of inane questions. Although Field said the results of the evaluation process will have “a significant impact” on faculty members’ careers at the college, Down-Fast said that no particular evaluation criteria have been established, and she trusts faculty evaluators to “just wing it.”

In the past, faculty evaluation–a combination of self- and administrative assessment–resulted in a judgment of “meets expectations” or “fails to meet expectations.”  By popular demand, the new system also includes “exceeds expectations” and “way too good to work here,” but Field stressed that faculty members who are deemed worthy of the latter two categories should not expect a pay raise because the college is broke, and faculty compensation is currently number 17 on the college’s priority list, just below window cleaning and urinal replacement.

Down-Fast said she is confident that faculty members are going to love the new system, because it will allow them to waste hours and hours of time learning to use defective technology and craft sincere-sounding nonsense prose instead of preparing for classes, therefore contributing directly to the college’s goal of providing students with a better educational experience.

Asst. Prof. of Biology Zoe Logique, who spent most of last week vainly attempting to log in to UNRAVEL, the college’s assessment tool, said she has been so busy working on her dossier that she forgot to attend the first few weeks of her classes and has not yet met any of her students.

Asst. Prof. of English Owen Hornblower, interviewed rather incoherently at the Dead Albatross, a local pub, said he is hoping that if he drinks enough whisky the whole thing will just go away.

The new system was developed after the college’s accrediting organization, the League of Really Bad Colleges (LRBC). An LRBC spokesperson, Pape R. Pusher, said peer evaluation of faculty is a crucial component of staying accrediting, though the accreditors do not have access to faculty dossiers and really only want colleges to provide them with an array of numerical data.  As for how the LRBC processes data once it is received, Pusher said, “Well, you know, things just disappear.”

Copyright 2017

T. Allen Culpepper

Attendance Low at Student-Organizations Fair

DYSTOPIA–Attendance at Dystopia College’s spring student-organizations fair included 17 Student Activities staff members, 3 faculty advisors who stopped by briefly during their lunch break, and one student, according to Student Activities Director John “Happy Jack” Plumber.

Plumber attributed the low attendance to the “apathetic, entitled slackers” who typically enroll at Dystopia and said that, in response, he’s “planning to kick some ass.”

The one student attendee, freshman transfer Damon Lughee, said he accidentally entered the fair while looking for a restroom in the N. Fernall Student Union and exited as president of five clubs and captain of an intramural soccer side.

“I’m not usually such a sucker,” Lughee said, “but once Happy Jack and his crew get their hands on you, saying no just really isn’t an option.”  He said he’s a little stressed about all the forms he now has to fill out, but he’s not that worried about “the soccer thing,” even though he has “no fucking clue” how to play soccer, because it appears that he is the only member of the league.

Plumber denied pressuring students like Lughee to participate in student organizations but conceded that he and his staff can sometimes come across as “slightly over-enthusiastic.”

Lughee said he doesn’t really have time for student activities because he is a mentally ill teenage single parent of two toddlers , works three jobs, and is the primary caretaker for an elderly relative, but that he “can probably manage it if I can just stay awake and double the dosage on my anxiety meds.”

UPDATE: Dystopia College student Damon Lughee is currently receiving emergency treatment  at Dystopia General Hospital, where he has been transported as the result of  a severe panic attack, according to medical personnel.

Copyright 2017

T. Allen Culpepper

Eminent Danish Scholar to Lecture on Theory at Dystopia College

DYSTOPIA–Renowned Danish philosopher Jesper R. Hansen-Storost will be coming to Dystopia College as part of the college’s Visiting Lecturer Series, Provost Eddina Field has announced. Field said it is “a singular honor to have a scholar of his caliber with us here at Dystopia.”

Field admitted that she has not actually read any of his work—“Seriously, who has time?”—but that he “has a lot of letters before and after his name,” so he must be pretty impressive.

Hansen-Storost, a professor of theoretical theory at the University of Helvedesmund in Nådhavn, specializes in post-theory theory and will be speaking on “Spøgelseteori [Ghost Theory] in the Post-Truth Era.” Ghost Theory, a conceptual system developed by the eminent professor, concerns “the continuing influence of theory after its death.” Hansen-Storost explained by phone from Nådhaven that he does not question the “ugly, gasping death” of “theory” in the early 2000s, but believes that its specters are restless, doomed to continue walking the halls of academe until students actually understand them and grasp their point.

He believes that the continuing presence of this Ghost Theory combined with the current post-truth climate will result in a situation in which scholars “feel compelled to continue pursuing non-existent truth,” but will do so in vain because, whereas in earlier times there was “a slippery play” among “arbitrary signifiers,” those signifiers “did at least point, even if it wasn’t clear toward what.” Now, however, in the post-truth era, “basically, signifiers will not even try to point at anything, not even suppressed psychic drives, not even archetypes of the collective unconscious, and not-truth (complicated by the absence of truth by which to define it by means of opposition) will become the opiate of the masses, including the disenfranchised minorities who have previously imagined that the world at large could be made to give even a single fuck.”

In addition to giving the lecture, which the public is welcome to attend, Hansen-Storost will be visiting several classes in the English department and meeting informally with students, according to Dept. Chair Donna B. Askenme.

Asst. Prof. of English and Literary Theory Si R. Faze, one of the professors whose classes Hansen-Storost will be visiting, said he is “not unhappy” about the chance for his students to meet and talk with a scholar who has achieved such eminence, adding, however, that he is puzzled about why his own superior theoretical work has received little notice.

Senior English major Rich Kidd and Adjunct Prof. of English Will Bardly both lamented that they will not be able to attend the lecture or meet with the visiting scholar because of their current incarceration but said they hope to watch the video afterward. Junior Beyonda Real and sophomore Marc Bywords, however, said they will attend and are “quite excited about it, actually.” They said they have read “a little” of Hansen-Storost’s work and found it fascinating, despite its difficulty. Further questioning led to the admissions that Real checked out one of the scholar’s books from the Dusty Booker Library but never got past the introduction, and Bywords “just Googled some summaries.” Nevertheless, they said they are eager to meet Hansen-Storost, “partly to hear what he has to say, but mainly, you know, just to say we did.”

After the lecture, Hansen-Storost will meet informally with students and faculty at The Dead Albatross, the popular local pub. Bartender Sam Smartt, who has not only read but also memorized most of Hansen-Storost’s work, said the scholar’s theories are compelling, but that there seem to be some gaps in logic that he is eager to discuss with the professor. In preparation for the event, he said, the bar has been well stocked with Carlsberg beer and Akvavit, the latter of which he would personally describe as “nasty.”

Asst. Prof. of English Owen Hornblower will be handling the arrangements for the gathering from the college’s end, Smartt said.

Copyright 2017

T. Allen Culpepper

College Scrambling to Find Classroom and Office Space in Wake of Explosion

DYSTOPIA—The start of the spring semester has Dystopia College administrators scrambling to find temporary classroom and office space in the wake of the explosion that destroyed most of C. N. K. Shipmann Hall, affectionately known as “the White Whale,” at the end of the fall semester.

An adjunct professor of English, Will Bardly, and a senior English major, Rick Kidd, claimed responsibility for the explosion that destroyed all but one wing of the building, which housed classrooms and faculty offices for liberal arts and humanities. Bardly and Kidd are now “contending with the appropriate legal processes,” according to the college’s legal counsel, Fgn Gocha Na.

The college plans to replace the building as soon as funds become available, but a funding source has not yet been nailed down, according to a tweet from Dystopia President Overly Payeed-Admyn, who has not yet returned from a holiday “recruiting trip” to Tahiti.

In the meantime, the college is desperately short of classroom space, and a number of professors have been left without office space, according to Provost Eddina Field.

Fortunately,  Field said, the weather has been unseasonably pleasant, so some outdoor class meetings have been possible, and the college is bringing in some portable classrooms to ease the situation in the short term. She said she expects most of those to be in place by the end of January. For the first couple of weeks of the semester, she said, “we will be doing a lot of improvising.” Classroom space is always a priority, though, she added, and “temporary solutions will be enacted ASAP.”

As for faculty members displaced from their offices, “they’re just S.O.L., basically,” the provost said. The students have to come first, she added, and faculty members “will just have to deal with it.”

Asst. Prof. of English Owen Hornblower said he understands the priority being given to space for class meetings, but the lack of an office is nevertheless a great inconvenience. He said that, although he used his office less than half an hour per week, the time he spent there was “always a very productive fifteen or twenty minutes.” Left without an office, he said he has been forced to work and hold office hours at The Dead Albatross, a popular local pub. Although that arrangement has worked well enough so far, it has also resulted in “an enormous bar tab.”

Asst. Prof. of French and Philosophy Pompe S. Asse, however, said he has fared less well in his efforts to find a temporary workspace. He said he simply cannot lower himself to frequent The Dead Albatross because of its “absolutely atrocious” wine list.

The head of the Department of Whatever It’s Called Today, Prof. Donna B. Askenme, said the office issue is “obviously more critical” for administrators such as herself, who, unlike faculty members “actually work in our offices.” She said she is currently working in a small janitorial closet in another campus building, and “the only good thing about it is that it’s much harder for people to find me.”

Several professors were questioned about the loss of files and books and such things from their destroyed offices, but all described that aspect of the situation as “a blessing.”

The students interviewed—all of whom wished to remain anonymous—about the classroom-space shortage said they aren’t particularly worried about it since they rarely attend class anyway. “Only if there’s a major exam or I’ve got a bad case of insomnia,” one said.


Copyright 2017

T. Allen Culpepper



Faculty to Be Herded into Non-Meeting

DYSTOPIA–All Dystopia College faculty will be required to gather on campus Wednesday for a “voluntary assembly,” Provost Eddina Field has announced. Questioned about the difference between a “voluntary assembly” and a “mandatory meeting,” Field clarified that there is no difference.

Nevertheless, faculty members should not feel apprehensive, she said, because the assembly will not concern the philosophy and methodology of the assessment of assessment.  Instead, the assembly will be devoted primarily to an “interactive presentation” by the Department of Enraged Learning.

The program, titled “Arousing and Directing Anger in the Classroom and the Committee Room,” will focus on ways in which faculty members can develop an effective action play for creating and channeling anger to energize their students and colleagues. The presentation is part of the DEL’s new Managing and Directing Anger Successfully to Help Establish Learning and Leadership (MADASHELL) program.

Field said she has seen a preview of the presentation and  can guarantee that DEL’s “visiting with us about it on Wednesday will get everybody fully onboarded to MADASHELL.”  Faculty members who aren’t “totally pissed off” by the end of the day “just won’t be paying attention,” she added.

Copyright 2017

T. Allen Culpepper