Guide to Characters, Buildings, etc.

Dystopia College



Governor of the state: Grady Hartless Bastarde

President: Dr. Overly Payeed-Admyn

Acting president during Payeed’s leave: Ruth Laws Kant

Provost: Dr. Eddina Field

Board of Regents chair: Tyson “Just Call Me Ty” Koons

Associate chair: Rich Asphuk

Other board members: A. S. Holly, An’Shawna Marinere, Saylor Siemens (recently retired)

Admin. Asst. to Regents: Wedina Ghest

Director of Institutional Research and Development: Gwen Down-Fast

Registrar: Liam E. Llonplys

Director of Assessment Assessment: Dr. Numbah Karuncha

Verb Czar: Obie Seth Witverben

Legal Counsel: Fgn Gocha Na (female) of Swindel Riggings Mayo Culpa Sha Na Na

Dean of Arts & Sciences and Bartending and Barista Studies: Justa Kent Teechfyve (female)

Vice-President for Financial Affairs: Shady Dealer

Staff members

Admin. Asst. to Shady Dealer: Em Bezzler

Residence Life director: LaVita Loca N. Prentiss

Marketing director: Celine Snakeoyle

Bookstore manager: Barry Goodbiz

Facilities director: W. D. “Duck” Tayper (he was called Needmore Dykketaype in early episodes)

Campus police spokesperson: Capt. Cranky Lawless

Campus police spokesperson backup: Sgt. Lorinda Cielo

Human Resources Director: Stan G. Beech

Student Activities Director: John “Happy Jack” Plumber

Administrative Asst.: Taryn Ofthishit

College Chaplain: the Rev. Dr. Nada N. Particlear (Unitarian Universalist)

Reference librarian: Nerdine Bibliophile

Director of Mental Health Services: Dr. Loba Ptomei

Director of Information Technology: Long Way Gho

Part-time employee who got laid off because of budget cuts: Senghal Mather

Campus police officers charged with attacking student: Sgt. Beaton M. Seneslez and Lt. Taze M. Goode

Director of Advising: Bateman Switchem

Advisors: Cat L. Driver, Satima Strayht

Housing director: Boxx Stakker

Director of Dining Services: Ghrys E. Spooner

Library archivist: Bah Nana Seedt (specialist: 1970s pop culture)

Director of admissions: U. R. Fughed

College organist: Cadenza Black-Keys

Dean of international students: Aya B. Twerking

Director of mental health services: Dr. Loba Ptomei, a psychologist and licensed counselor


Retiring chair of Humanities and Social Sciences: Prof. Otto Fashon

English dept. chair: Ishmella Ahavvra Mobius Can Dykk

Asst. Prof. of English and Literary Theory: Si R. Faze (has no sense of humor)

Asst. Prof. of Economics: Saul Abbott Money

Asst. Prof. of Economics: Buck Spender

Asst. Prof of Astrophysics: Rocky “Horror” Blasdoff

Asst. Prof. of Chemistry: Peri Odyck-Taybul

Asst. Prof. of Chemistry: C. N. T. Theiss

Asst. Prof. of Biology: Zoe Logique (uses lots of humor in the classroom)

Adjunct Asst. Prof. of English: Will Bardly

Asst. Prof. of Plant Biology: Leaf Greene

Visiting Scholar: Jesper R. Hansen-Storost, prof. of theoretical physics, from Nadhavn, Denmark

Former Asst. Prof. of English: Chas T. Taybee (fired for not swearing in class)

Asst. Prof. of Nuclear Physics and Seven-Grade Science Remediation: I. M. DaBomb

Asst. Prof. of Nuclear Physics: Adam Splitz

Adjunct Asst. Prof. of English: Des Peratphurjhob

Asst. Prof. of French and Philosophy: Pompe S. Asse (recently promoted directly to prof. emeritus)

Asst. Prof. of Political Science: Ashton Gunner

Asst. Prof. of Pharmacy: Herb L. Tonic

Asst. Prof. of Sociology: Sylvia Wright-Sacktivist

Chair of English and Foreign Languages: Prof. Donna B. Askenme (no longer chair)

Asst. Prof. of Women’s Studies: Donna Mannhader (she’s a lesbian supremacist)

Asst. Prof. of Media Studies Folkesome Unnergratz (makes sexual advances toward everyone on campus except Ian Somuchneed)

Asst. Prof. of Mathematics: Addie Tangent

Professor of English and Creative Writing: Prof. Owen Hornblower

Professor of History and faculty union organizer: Prof. B. K. Tracker

Asst. Prof. of Psychology: Sigourney Froyt

Asst. Prof. of English: T. S. Elliott-Smith, teaches STEM and Business Modernist poetry to shoegazing emos

Asst. Prof. of Spanish: Jesus H. Cristo (“Cris” to his friends, though he doesn’t seem to have many; has anger-management issues)

Adjunct Asst. Prof. of Psychology: Bella Mindful

Asst. Prof. of Theatre: Staige Fryte (gender unstated)

Asst. Prof. of Art History: Dorothea “Dottie” Paynter

Asst. Prof. of Mechanical Engineering: Gerhard Radmeister

Asst. Prof. of Mechanical Engineering: Piston Bridgespan

Asst. Prof. of Flora Design: Timidia Rosewater

Asst. Prof. of Interior Design: Alessandra Bellacosa

Asst. Prof. of Physics: Maureen “Mo-Mo” Motion

Asst. Prof. of Art History: Dorothea “Dottie” Painter

Asst. Prof. of Political Science: Trub L. Kyser (known for being contentious)

Asst. Prof. of Music and Band Director: Jasmine “Jazzy” Drumline

Asst. Prof. of Music and Orchestra Conductor: Viola Brassy-Bassoon

Adjunct Asst. Prof. of Romance languages: Pablo Espagnole (fluent in Spanish and French)

Asst. Prof. of Sociology: Pete-Paul Wacher

Asst. Prof. of Sociology: Tummany Lemmings (female)


Indie (short for Independence)–service cat to student Joey diMarco. She is a strong-minded grey tabby.

Randy–goat belonging to local farmer Billy Gruff. In a committed relationship with student Joey DiMarco.


Rebekah Goldcalf–junior economics major, Jewish, but not very religious

Meera Chatwal–math major, tutor in math lab, international student from Mombai

Dismal D. Meenor–sophomore, very serious, martyr complex, hates joking

Lev N. Pahst–freshman history major, was chased at gunpoint by Jesus H. Cristo

Student, sophomore, member of African Lesbian Satanic Witches for Peace: Samantha Sabrina Eastwick

English majors: Beyonda Real (junior), Marc Bywords (sophomore), Rich Kidd (senior)

Amelja Kaluza-Kaczka, junior in mechanical engineering, student assistant to Prof. Gerhard Radmeister (Her names means “industrious puddle-duck” in Polishs)

Piet Paeper, international student from the Netherlands, boyfriend of Privi Ledger

Damon Lughee–transfoer student, works 3 jobs, single parent of two toddlers, suffers from severe anxiety, takes lots of meds

Nigel Black-Scheap–sophomore economics major, international student from UK, gay porn star on

Cocoon Ohmskooler–freshman who was home-schooled

Paul O. Standingwater–Native American freshman, a member of the Notadisstopia Nation

Steel Girder–mechanical engineering software, very dyslexic

Max Flaming Bird–student, boyfriend to Paul O. Standingwater, has peyote visions

Student, freshman, antisocial chemistry major: Solo Wallflower (male)

Student, president of ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ Dystopia: Andro Jeenus (junior, double major in French and international business, portrayer of campus mascot Lucky the Albatross)

Student, senior English major: Rich Kidd (publishes blog DyssDystopia, having a clandestine affair with Will Bardly)

Stone D. Ongress–Junior, undecided major, stoner

Student: Privi Ledger (female), sophomore

Student, claiming to to have been sexually assaulted by aliens: Joey DiMarco

College mascot–Lucky the Albatross (currently portrayed by Andro Jeenus; first alternate is Joey DiMarco)

Starting quarterback: Troyan Fubaa

Student: Si Kopat, senior psych major

Student and chem-lab assistant: Arson Boomer

Student and chem-lab assistant: Cy-Anne Idol

Student: Abdullah Ibrahim Mohammed Hakim Badr-Asim “Bad-Ass” Al-Abad–sophomore double-major in chemical engineering and floral design. Self-described (on his Hkup profile) as a vegan, pacifist, skeptical Buddhist bottom (now a junior)

Niall O’Katree–chief druid of Pagans United for the Restoration of Ritual Sacrifice (PURRS); junior in comparative religion

Ry Somes–junior biology major

Student: Ian Somuchneed–accused of sexually assaulting a melon salvaged from a dumpster

William Anderson “Wanker” Kerr VII–double major in finance and partying, vice-president of Greek Dystopia (aka Dystopia Greek Council)

Student: Lily [Last name withheld]–sophomore, victim of attempted sexual assualt

Student: Hunter O’Wimmin–junior, tried to rape Lily, “taken care of” by African Lesbian Satanic Witches for Peace

Ora-Kle Delphinos–time-travel exchange student from Greece, claims to speak for Apollo

Corvin Ball–baseball pitcher, freshman

Sly Durham–baseball player

Otto Parks–junior baseball player, a big hitter

Ari Ratliff–president of the Dystopia chapter of Hihill Regional (organization for Jewish students)

Coaching staff

Athletic director and head football coach: B. G. Dik.

Soccer Coach: Kiki Ball

Baseball coach: Alum N. M. Batte

Other characters

Bartender at the Dead Albatross: Sam Smartt (not a student, but he has read everything and has a phenomenal memory)

Gloria Sellout–consultant hire to evaluate options for r”e-branding the academic process”

Cat: Indie (short for “Independence”)–a gray tabby service animal served by student Joey DiMarco

Prof. Sigourney Froyt’s attorney: Siri S. Lee

High school teacher who teaches DC classes to students at DHS: Ahn der Paad

Convocation keynote speaker and expert on getting students through college as quickly as possible: Rudyard “Red” Nickerson

Lawyer to  Joey DiMarco: Isaiah DeNigh, of the firm Wrangle Twyst and DeNigh

Homeless man from streets adjacent to college: M. T. Boxx

Homeless former honors scholar: Fallon Starr (homeless because of student-loan debt; was a triple major in math, chemistry, and philosophy)

Dystopia fire chief: Adale Burns

Attorney representing Rich Kidd: Hogan Gitthoff

Attorney representing Jesus H. “Cris” Cristo: Finn D. Loople of Loople Villain Free

Fallon Starr–former honors scholar with triple major in math, chemistry, and philosophy, now homeless, bankrupt because of student-loan debt

FBI Agent–X. S. Ivors

Sister Paulina Augustina–directress of the Sisters of Irrepressible Enthusiasm (SIE)

Dystopia coroner–Cad Evers

Jargona M. T. Rettrick–professor emeritus at Central Nowhere University; she was Payeed’s dissertation director

Attorney representing Paul O. Standingwater–Rhett Kicking Ass

Billy Gruff–a local farmer with a herd of goats

Capt. Drew Furst–spokesperson for Dystopia City Police Dept.

Insurance agent representing the college’s insurer: Rytter N. Smallprint of Swendell Schaemer

Enoch Ewess, author of Finishing Before You Start, scheduled as 2018 commencement speaker, but cancelled after threats of student protest by African Lesbian Satanic Witches for Peace

Neville Wong–chief meteorologist at local television station KRSH

Campus Buildings and Grounds

Hopeless Hall–the main administration building

Hale Hall (“the Inferno”)–freshman residence hall

Nash T. Pondskum Complex–natural sciences building

Whit A. Hellhole Auditorium

Nihil Hall–the social sciences building

N. Fernall Student Union

Kal Q. Lush Mathematics Center

N. Finnitt-Jeste Mathematics Learning Lab

Dusty Booker Library

Baad Business Center

Mal Hayes Wellness Center

Hades Quadrangle–the college’s main Quadrangle

Shipmann Hall–affectionally known as “the white whale,” home to humanities and liberal arts, including English and foreign languages (exploded at end of fall semester; replaced by prefab IDEA building given same name)

Aggie Nostik Chapel

Pearl E. ven der Laadtuhd Chemistry Laboratory

Sik-Li/Grubb Dining Hall

D. R. “Dribble” Hooper Gym (for basketball)

Theatre Dystopia

Off-campus locations

The Dead Albatross (the Alby, for short)–local pub, not on campus but on the adjacent college “strip”

Dystopia Fire Department Station No. 3

Brown Park–a brown space adjacent to the college campus

Wasteland Park–a larger city park near the Infernal County Courthouse

Rocket Fuel Coffee Casa–a coffeehouse adjacent to campus specializing in drinks “loaded with enough caffeine and sugar to launch you into space”

Dystopia Pie–a local pizzeria “where the pies are square”

Joe’s Lowpoint Grocery–a deep-discount grocer specializing in dented canned goods, stale bread, etc.

Temple Bath-Sheba–the local synagogue, adjacent to campus, at the corner of Dystopia Boulevard and Messy Potamian Way

Bad Idea Home Center–a big-box home-improvement store

KRSH–local television station (Channel 13)


RUTS–Routing Undergraduates Through School (an enrollment and advising program based on colored boxes)

IS–Indentured Servitude (a financial aid program)

ICAA–Insignificant College Athletic Association

DYDD–Done Your Degree at Dystopia (a college-completion initiative)

DAFT–Developing Adequate Faculty Teaching

KASHGOW–Knowledge Access to Students at Home to Generate Outrageous Windfall

Student Organizations

Guardians of the New Right

The Marching Albatross–marching band

Lambda Sigma Delta–fraternity

The Albatrosses–sports teams

African Lesbian Satanic Witches for Peace (AFSWP)–For African Lesbian Satanic witches and their allies. Contact: Samantha Sabrina Eastwick (Changed its acronym to ALSaWip for pronounceability)

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ Dystopia (AtZ)–For asexual, bisexual, confused, dyke, exploring, fag, gay, hag, intersex, etc., ad infinitum, students and their allies. Contact: Andro Jeenus

Dystopians for Jesus (DfJ)–Dystopia students spreading the love of Jesus Christ. Contact: Trig Ryder

Society for Peaceful Contemplation (SPC)–For students seeking quiet meditation, vaguely Buddhist, but open to everyone. Contact: Abdullah Ibrahim Mohammed Hakim Badr-Asim “Bad-Ass” Al-Abad

Gaming Alabatrosses (GA[Y])–For Dystopia students into gaming. Contact: A. (Andrea) Gioia Stich

Dystopia Pyros (DP) (Student Activities approval pending)–For Dystopia students who enjoy playing with fire. Contact: Arson Boomer or Cy-Anne Idol

Albatrosses Kicking Ass (AKA)–Intramural soccer. Contact: Hedley “Header” Fielding

Offices and Departments

Office of Special Gifts

Accrediting organization: League of Really Bad Colleges (LRBC)


Blackout–course-management system

Redflag–Web-based enrollment, student records, etc.

Lockout–the college’s email app

Telecrap–the phone system

Hkup–a social app popular with gay Dystopia students

UNRAVEL–the assessment-management tool

Online ticket purchasing for campus events: TikitSkalper

KASHGOW–Knowledge Access to Students at Home to Generate Outrageous Windfall (an online, for-profit program)


Local convent: Sisters of Irrepressible Enthusiasm (SIE)

Alma mater–“Dream the Dystopian Dream”

Fight song–“‘Trosses, Take a Dive”

School colors–dirt brown and concrete grey

Typical total enrollment–7,500-8,000 students

Student band, The Flaming Faggots: Members:
Joey DiMarco, guitar; Samantha Sabrina Eastwick, vocals, electric broomstick; Andro Jeenus, keyboards; Arson Boomer, drums, percussion; Si Kopat, bass.

Student band, Sir Thomas Less, features frontman Nigel Black-Scheap

Student band, Kamp Hopeless, includes student Beyonda Real and the voice of Cocoon Ohmskooler (who remains behind, or if possible, under, the stage, invisible to the audience)

Mascot: Lucky the Albatross (portrayed by Joey DiMarco)

Bleater/Bleats–social networking, like Twitter/Tweets

Mugbook–social networking, like FB

KnowSignal–local cellular provider

MeToob–make-your-own videos

Literary magazine: Wingspan

Bungle Translate (like Google)

IDEA–supplier of pre-fab flat-packed assemble-it-yourself educational furniture and buildings

DissMyProfs–professors ratings website, has sex-toy icons for “hotness”

Albatross Droppings–chocolate-covered peanut clusters, often served at Dystopia functions

Sailor punch–the ubiquitous beverage of college occasions. Officially non-alcoholic, but in fact heavily spiked with a combination of high-proof rum and grain alcohol–the porn site that student Nigel Black-Scheap makes videos for

General contractor for dorm repairs: Fugate-Upgoode