Guide to Characters, Buildings, etc.

Dystopia College



Governor of the state: Grady Hartless Bastarde

President: Dr. Overly Payeed-Admyn

Provost: Dr. Eddina Field

Board of Regents chair: Tyson “Just Call Me Ty” Koons

Other board members: A. S. Holly

Registrar: Liam E. Llonplys

Director of Assessment Assessment: Dr. Numbah Karuncha

Verb Czar: Obie Seth Witverben

Legal Counsel: Fgn Gocha Na (female) of Swindel Riggings Mayo Culpa Sha Na Na

Dean of Arts & Sciences and Bartending and Barista Studies: Justa Kent

Teechfyve (female)

Staff members

Bookstore manager: Barry Goodbiz

Campus police spokesperson: Capt. Cranky Lawless

Campus police spokesperson backup: Sgt. Lorinda Cielo

Human Resources Director: Stan G. Beech

Student Activities Director: John “Happy Jack” Plumber

Administrative Asst.: Taryn Ofthishit

College Chaplain: the Rev. Dr. Nada N. Particlear (Unitarian Universalist)

Reference librarian: Nerdine Bibliophile

Director of Mental Health Services: Dr. Loba Ptomei

Director of Information Technology: Long Way Gho

Part-time employee who got laid off because of budget cuts: Senghal Mather

Campus police officers charged with attacking student: Sgt. Beaton M. Seneslez and Lt. Taze M. Goode

Director of Advising: Bateman Switchem

Advisors: Cat L. Driver, Satima Strayht

Director of Dining Services: Ghrys E. Spooner


Retiring chair of Humanities and Social Sciences: Prof. Otto Fashon

Asst. Prof. of English and Literary Theory: Si R. Faze (has no sense of humor)

Asst. Prof. of Biology: Zoe Logique (uses lots of humor in the classroom)

Adjunct Asst. Prof. of English: Will Bardly

Adjunct Asst. Prof. of English: Des Peratphurjhob

Asst. Prof. of French and Philosophy: Pompe S. Asse

Asst. Prof. of Political Science: Ashton Gunner

Asst. Prof. of Pharmacy: Herb L. Tonic

Asst. Prof. of Sociology: Sylvia Wright-Sacktivist

Chair of English and Foreign Languages: Prof. Donna B. Askenme

Professor of English and Creative Writing: Prof. Owen Hornblower

Professor of History and faculty union organizer: Prof. B. K. Tracker

Asst. Prof. of Psychology: Sigourney Froyt

Asst. Prof. of English: T. S. Elliott-Smith, teaches STEM and Business Modernist poetry to shoegazing emos

Asst. Prof. of Spanish: Jesus H. Cristo (“Cris” to his friends, though he doesn’t seem to have many; has anger-management issues)

Adjunct Asst. Prof. of Psychology: Bella Mindful

Asst. Prof. of Theatre: Staige Fryte (gender unstated)

Asst. Prof. of Art History: Dorothea “Dottie” Paynter

Asst. Prof. of Mechanical Engineering: Gerhard Radmeister

Asst. Prof. of Flora Design: Timidia Rosewater

Asst. Prof. of Interior Design: Alessandra Bellacosa

Asst. Prof. of Physics: Maureen “Mo-Mo” Motion

Asst. Prof. of Art History: Dorothea “Dottie” Painter

Asst. Prof. of Political Science: Trub L. Kyser (known for being contentious)

Asst. Prof. of Music and Band Director: Jasmine “Jazzy” Drumline

Asst. Prof. of Music and Orchestra Conductor: Viola Brassy-Bassoon

Adjunct Asst. Prof. of Romance languages: Pablo Espagnole (fluent in Spanish and French)

Asst. Prof. of Sociology: Pete-Paul Wacher

Asst. Prof. of Sociology: Tummany Lemmings (female)


Dismal D. Meenor–sophomore, very serious, martyr complex, hates joking

Lev N. Pahst–freshman history major, was chased at gunpoint by Jesus H. Cristo

Student, sophomore, member of African Lesbian Satanic Witches for Peace: Samantha Sabrina Eastwick

English majors: Beyonda Real (junior), Marc Bywords (sophomore), Rich Kidd (senior)

Amelja Kaluza-Kaczka, junior in mechanical engineering, student assistant to Prof. Gerhard Radmeister (Her names means “industrious puddle-duck” in Polishs)

Piet Paeper, international student from the Netherlands, boyfriend of Privi Ledger


Student, freshman, antisocial chemistry major: Solo Wallflower (male)

Student, president of ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ Dystopia: Andro Jeenus (junior, double major in French and international business, portrayer of campus mascot Lucky the Albatross)

Student, senior English major: Rich Kidd (publishes blog DyssDystopia, having a clandestine affair with Will Bardly)

Stone D. Ongress–Junior, undecided major, stoner

Student: Privi Ledger (female), sophomore

Student, claiming to to have been sexually assaulted by aliens: Joey DiMarco

College mascot–Lucky the Albatross (currently portrayed by Andro Jeenus; first alternate is Joey DiMarco)

Starting quarterback: Troyan Fubaa

Student: Si Kopat, senior psych major

Student and chem-lab assistant: Arson Boomer

Student and chem-lab assistant: Cy-Anne Idol

Student: Abdullah Ibrahim Mohammed Hakim Badr-Asim “Bad-Ass” Al-Abad–sophomore double-major in chemical engineering and floral design. Self-described (on his Hkup profile) as a vegan, pacifist, skeptical Buddhist bottom

Director of mental health services: Dr. Loba Ptomei, a psychologist and licensed counselor

Student: Ian Somuchneed–accused of sexually assaulting a melon salvaged from a dumpster

Student: Lily [Last name withheld]–sophomore, victim of attempted sexual assualt

Student: Hunter O’Wimmin–junior, tried to rape Lily, “taken care of” by African Lesbian Satanic Witches for Peace

Coaching staff

Athletic director and head football coach: B. G. Dik.

Soccer Coach: Kiki Ball

Other characters

Bartender at the Dead Albatross: Sam Smartt (not a student, but he has read everything and has a phenomenal memory)

Gloria Sellout–consultant hire to evaluate options for r”e-branding the academic process”

Cat: Indie (short for “Independence”)–a gray tabby service animal served by student Joey DiMarco

Prof. Sigourney Froyt’s attorney: Siri S. Lee

High school teacher who teaches DC classes to students at DHS: Ahn der Paad

Convocation keynote speaker and expert on getting students through college as quickly as possible: Rudyard “Red” Nickerson

Lawyer to  Joey DiMarco: Isaiah DeNigh, of the firm Wrangle Twyst and DeNigh

Homeless man from streets adjacent to college: M. T. Boxx

Homeless former honors scholar: Fallon Starr (homeless because of student-loan debt; was a triple major in math, chemistry, and philosophy)

Dystopia fire chief: Adale Burns

Attorney representing Rich Kidd: Hogan Gitthoff

Attorney representing Jesus H. “Cris” Cristo: Finn D. Loople of Loople Villain Free

Fallon Starr–former honors scholar with triple major in math, chemistry, and philosophy, now homeless, bankrupt because of student-loan debt

Campus Buildings and Grounds

Hopeless Hall–the main administration building

Hale Hall (“the Inferno”)–freshman residence hall

Nash T. Pondskum Complex–natural sciences building

Whit A. Hellhole Auditorium

Nihil Hall–the social sciences building

N. Fernall Student Union

Dusty Booker Library

Baad Business Center

Mal Hayes Wellness Center

Hades Quadrangle–the college’s main Quadrangle

Shipmann Hall–affectionally known as “the white whale,” home to humanities and liberal arts, including English and foreign languages

Pearl E. ven der Laadtuhd Chemistry Laboratory

Sik-Li/Grubb Dining Hall

Theatre Dystopia

Off-campus locations

The Dead Albatross (the Alby, for short)–local pub, not on campus but on the adjacent college “strip”

Dystopia Fire Department Station No. 3

Brown Park–a brown space adjacent to the college campus

Rocket Fuel Coffee Casa–a coffeehouse adjacent to campus specializing in drinks “loaded with enough caffeine and sugar to launch you into space”

Dystopia Pie–a local pizzeria “where the pies are square”


RUTS–Routing Undergraduates Through School (an enrollment and advising program based on colored boxes)

IS–Indentured Servitude (a financial aid program)

ICAA–Insignificant College Athletic Association

DYDD–Done Your Degree at Dystopia (a college-completion initiative)

DAFT–Developing Adequate Faculty Teaching

Student Organizations

Guardians of the New Right

African Lesbian Satanic Witches for Peace

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ Dystopia (formerly LGBTQIA Dystopia, and before that, Gay Dystopia)

The Marching Albatross–marching band

Lambda Sigma Delta–fraternity

The Albatrosses–sports teams

Student Organizations

African Lesbian Satanic Witches for Peace (AFSWP)–For African Lesbian Satanic witches and their allies. Contact: Samantha Sabrina Eastwick

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ Dystopia (AtZ)–For asexual, bisexual, confused, dyke, exploring, fag, gay, hag, intersex, etc., ad infinitum, students and their allies. Contact: Andro Jeenus

Dystopians for Jesus (DfJ)–Dystopia students spreading the love of Jesus Christ. Contact: Trig Ryder

Society for Peaceful Contemplation (SPC)–For students seeking quiet meditation, vaguely Buddhist, but open to everyone. Contact: Abdullah Ibrahim Mohammed Hakim Badr-Asim “Bad-Ass” Al-Abad

Gaming Alabatrosses (GA[Y])–For Dystopia students into gaming. Contact: A. (Andrea) Gioia Stich

Dystopia Pyros (DP) (Student Activities approval pending)–For Dystopia students who enjoy playing with fire. Contact: Arson Boomer or Cy-Anne Idol

Albatrosses Kicking Ass (AKA)–Intramural soccer. Contact: Hedley “Header” Fielding

Offices and Departments

Office of Special Gifts


Blackout–course-management system

Redflag–Web-based enrollment, student records, etc.

Lockout–the college’s email app

Telecrap–the phone system

Hkup–a social app popular with gay Dystopia students

UNRAVEL–the assessment-management tool

Online ticket purchasing for campus events: TikitSkalper


Alma mater–“Dream the Dystopian Dream”

Fight song–“‘Trosses, Take a Dive”

Typical total enrollment–7,500-8,000 students

Student band, The Flaming Faggots: Members:
Joey DiMarco, guitar; Samantha Sabrina Eastwick, vocals, electric broomstick; Andro Jeenus, keyboards; Arson Boomer, drums, percussion; Si Kopat, bass.

Mascot: Lucky the Albatross (portrayed by Joey DiMarco)

Literary magazine: Wingspan