DYSTOPIA–Dystopia College administrators are “finding it difficult” to comply with the latest request from its accreditor, the League of Really Bad Colleges (LRBC), Dystopia Provost Eddina Field acknowledged today.
Last week, the LRBC requested a current list of the college’s faculty members and their credentials, “a routine request that we make of all our members from time to time,” according to LRBC spokesperson Pape R. Pusher.
Field said the college would be “more than happy to comply” with the request, except that “we don’t actually have such a list.”
“I mean, I’m sure most of our faculty members have some credentials,” she clarified. “We just don’t know exactly which ones.” The information pertaining to individual faculty members is “probably in some file somewhere, though no one seems to know for sure, but we don’t have the information for everyone collected and stored in one readily accessible location.”
She said that faculty search committees and administrators “obviously” look at credentials when faculty are hired, “but once we hire somebody, we seldom pay them any further attention unless somebody files a complaint or something.”
And the college has pretty low standards for faculty to begin with. “Our hiring process is basically the faculty version of ‘open admissions’–if we have an opening and someone’s crazy enough to want to fill it, who are we to question that?”
Another contributor to the problem might be record-keeping procedures in the college’s human resources department, which HR Director Stan G. Beech acknowledges “probably could be improved.”
Of the 3, 672, 211 regulations mandated for college human resources departments, Dystopia is in “full compliance” with “at least 50,” Beech said, but we “are working hard toward the others and hope to meet all of them by 3015.”
The college’s acting president, Ruth Laws Kant, said that after only a few days in the position, she is already “sharpening her ax” and envisioning “dozens of rolling heads,” but she has had to hold back her arm because of the knowledge that the “decimation” she has in mind would create more vacancies than the college could fill in a timely manner because Dystopia is “well, Dystopia.”
Nevertheless, she said, “faculty and staff had better be on their best behavior” or risk finding themselves “between hell and a scorned woman.”
Asst. Prof. of Women’s Studies Domina Mannhader, who is a well known lesbian supremicist, said that the college’s shortcomings are “largely the result of hierarchical patriarchal incompetence perpetuated by fearful, stupid men who should just go ahead and die,” and she hopes that Kant will “kick some fucking ass” in her role as acting president.
Freshman baseball player Sly Durham said he only recently learned that there is a college affiliated with his team, but that he isn’t especially concerned about academic accreditation as long as the team is not sanctioned by the ICAA (Insignificant College Athletic Association). He said his plan is to “get noticed, go pro, and make a shitload of money.” He said he doesn’t need much education, because once he is “filthy fucking rich,” he can “just buy some nerdy kid to get educated for me.”
Copyright 2018
T. Allen Culpepper
dystopiacollege 